Deviant Login Shop  Join deviantART for FREE Take the Tour
×

:iconenyo-soldaat: More from enyo-soldaat


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
February 15, 2011
File Size
3.9 KB
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
410
Favourites
13 (who?)
Comments
13
Downloads
3
×
The new pills were in my pocket, probably getting all linty. Or should I say the new-new-new pills: after all, this was the third try at finding a medication I'm not allergic to. After throwing my guts up on two different meds, I'm not about to swallow another one, only to find it's coming back up too.
Why do I even have medication? It's not like I'm in horrible pain when I don't take it.
My arms are stuck straight out, and they waver as I try to balance on one metal track. If my foot touches the ground, it's "burned" by lava. Lava is pretty good incentive not to touch the middle of the train tracks: even if in real life, its not lava. Its just rocks.
I stuff my hands in my pockets and feel the oblong pills big enough for a horse to have trouble swallowing. I wrap them in my hands, and as I walk, they "accidentally" fall to the rails below.
"What are you doing?" A voice says behind me. I near jump outta my skin and whip around.
A cop. Great. More specifically, my cop, if you wanna call him that. This guy has stopped me so many times for so many things I wonder why I still don't know his name.
"Miss, you know this is another offense, right?"
"Doing what?"
"Speak up, please." He taps his ear.
"Doing what?" I say it louder and clearer.
"Thanks. Sorry miss, I was shot in the ear at one time in my career and lost most of my hearing. I can only hear what's loud and close to me."
He looks old, probably near retirement. The bullet isnt the only thing making you lose your hearing... Grey, wispy hair has completely taken over--including the little tuffs in his ears--and he's even thinning on the top. His eyes are brown, not warm or cold, and his jaw is sharp and jutted, along with a cleft right in the end.  He might actually be intimidating if he was taller than 5' 9'', tops.
"Now, what are you doing right now?" He says it like I'm some sort of idiot. Which, granted, I may be.
I shrug. "Standing. Breathing."
"Where are you standing?"
"Tracks."
"What kind of tracks?"
"The train kind." I grin. I can't help myself: This is too fun.
"Don't get smart with me, girl. This is a crime. Just like drawing with chalk on public grounds, trespassing, climbing the old oaks, and most of the other things I find you doing. These trains are remote operated! There's no driver! You could die! Did you know that?"
Yes. "No."
"What?"
"No!"
"Well now you know. What's in your hand?"
Ecstasy. "Prescription."
"Why aren't you taking them?"
I stay quiet. I don't have an excuse.
"What are they for?"
I stare right past him. Something's coming over the underpass, but the heat waves are making it hard to see just how close it is.
"Miss! What are they for?"
"Train."
"Huh?"
"Train!" I start the opposite direction, towards the road. It's closer than I would have preferred. He grabs the back of my collar.
"I told you not to mess with me! Now, why don't you call your parents and have them explain exactly why you're here and what these pills are for?"
"I'm not messing with you, dude!" Forget formality. "There's a train coming! Let me go!"
"I think I'd hear a train."
"You're deaf!" I tug out of his grip. Now I can see. The train is way, way too close for comfort: 200 feet and approaching fast. It's black and still new; its metal wheels gliding easily over the metal rails. No horns are blaring, and the rail barely shakes.
I sprint down the side of track, half-falling as the rocks slip from under me. And I know its cliché, but I watch in slow-motion as he turns around, sees the train, and starts to run…
And I watch his foot get caught on the rail. He trips, falls: sprawls across the path of this monster locomotive. I look at him, and he looks at me, and then…
Well, then i had to look away.
Submitted to the Oregon Writing Festival, which i hope to be attending in May. I'm open to critique (NOT criticism) about whatever. I tried to work this out to make as much sense as possible. :)


To The Written Revolution: I feel like this piece started off very choppy and ended very abruptly. Maybe it was because I wrote it in a half-concious state late at night. Anyways, I'm wondering if anyone actually LIKES the ending or, if not, how i could change it to be less abrupt.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconsmilee-shortee:
smilee-shortee Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2011
this is really great.
sigh.
poor guy.
Reply
:iconenyo-soldaat:
enyo-soldaat Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:D thanks! For liking the story, not the guy getting hit by a train... :/ thats kinda sad.
Reply
:iconfragmentedreams:
FragmenteDreams Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2011  Student Writer
Gulp. The mental image... woah. Definitely tragic. But, hey, not every story has a happy ending, right? If you'd ended it any other way, I think it would have seemed less realistic to me. So yeah, I like it. And the fact that it's abrupt just enhances the overall effect, I think. It did for me. So yeah, definitely a good story, and definitely a great ending.
Reply
:iconenyo-soldaat:
enyo-soldaat Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:) Yeah, I'm not a fan of the traditional happy ending. I feel like something needs to remain tragic, but resolved. XD Thanks so much for all the compliments!
Reply
:icondarknezz111:
darknezz111 Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2011
That was really good. I really appreciated the smart-allecky humor, and you just knew as soon as the cop showed up that something was going to happen. The ending came as a bit of a shock, as well. Very impressive work.
Reply
:iconenyo-soldaat:
enyo-soldaat Featured By Owner Feb 24, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I loved writing from this POV. I'm glad to know the ending wasnt predictable. Thanks so much!
Reply
:iconluckyfive5:
luckyfive5 Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2011
Wo. Nice!
Reply
:iconenyo-soldaat:
enyo-soldaat Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
:) thanks Jess. This is what i submitted to the Writing Festival.
Which, BTW, i want you to do.
Reply
:iconluckyfive5:
luckyfive5 Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2011
Will you wre more on it? I think I will. I just need to ask Huss for the slip!
Reply
:iconenyo-soldaat:
enyo-soldaat Featured By Owner Feb 16, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
No, I'm probably not writing any more on this. :/ maybe ill stick it into a story later.
YOU SO SHOULD DO IT DO IT DO IT.
Reply
Add a Comment: